itsa_rogue_wave

Sat, 16 May 2009 08:49:10 GMT

wow, looking back,
i can't even believe it.
some of the things you said.
and thought.

Work was so much better today than on wednesday.
Wednesday I just felt like a failure.
I know, I know like working at blockbuster could ever be much of an acheivment.
But i was on the brink of a major breakdown that night.
I wanted to quit, i felt stupid, and i felt really distant from reality.
I thought i was doing horrible with everything i though everyone was juding me and i almost cried about ten times at remarks some customers made. they weren't that rude,
but it's like are you really-seriously?-going to take out YOUR bad day on someone that works at fucking blockbuster? Really? Not like i was in the mood to be nice to them, but of course i have to be.
However, after that disasterous day, i had work today. I was dreading it soooooo much.
At my surprise, I did a great job. My boss and I talked a little about how to "sell" to people, because i really needed the help. It's really uncomfotable asking people to buy stuff that you probably wouldn't buy yourself. But she helped me understand how to look at it differently-haha i sound so ridiculous, but i guess i just take my job seriously. Even if it is at blockbuster!
I was talking with the customers more like they were someone i'd already met, rather than someone i need to sell stuff too. I didn't care if i messed up my sales pitches to them, like i'm really gonna see them ever again-and if i do, for what five seconds the next time they rent Marley and Me or fucking Bedtime Stories?!
I just had a new attitude overall. We got some spiffy new shirts, and nametags, and i was just so much more positive today and bright. Mmmmmm it felt good to be that bubbly. Ha. I had an extra kick in my step and a genuine smile on my face and i was proud of myself.
And surprise, surprise! I sold a lot of shit today.
See?
Being causal with customers works. Hahaha this sounds so stupid, but i had so much more fun working today knowing that customers walked away with service that was the best i could make it.
I really, really did have FUN at work today. Wow.
i wrote sooooo much about my job.
at blockbuster.
and how i'm proud.
god! what's happened to my life?!
haha.
:]

oh! and just so everyone knows,
star trek was so good.
another thing i am amazed i'm saying!
but honestly, it was great from start to finish.
and I had low expectations-it definately went above and beyond what i thought!

Underground world.

Fri, 15 May 2009 03:11:51 GMT

When the world begins eating itself, then will you see? That the message isn't in the cracks on the surface but in the depths of the underground world we choose to ignore. The underlining purpose of life has been burried for centuries. It's horrifying knowing that others aren't on the same level as yourself. Some are higher, some are lower but regardless no one knows what's happening in another person's head. How can you know that someone understands the meaning of life to its fullest if you are not inside their mind?
I scratch to find it burrowed beneath the shit life likes to cover all good things with. Imagine this world fresh and alive. It's dying because there is no one brave enough to jump off the cliff and dive into the world unknown. Some have tried, some have thought themselves strong and brave enough to conquer the wildness unleashed below. Unfortunately, these beings were unsuccessful in uncovering the mystery. They made it so far as to go toe-to-tip of the cliff. None ever falling, though. Everyone felt in the pit of their stomaches and ache like they'd never known before. They were suffocating and gasping for air. They would mumble to themselves just as they were about to bounce out of their shaking boots but intsead of leaping they would push themselves backward-toppling to the ground. Nobody quite cared that they had been failures. I suppose living in this ignorant bliss is good enough for most to settle for. I however, will not. I am running into the black abyss, and I will not return to tell you cowards what heaven you're missing.

Thu, 07 May 2009 22:03:24 GMT

today's been a good day.
i have this freshness in me.
I feel alive, and I haven't really lately until now.
Hopefully the day only gets better,
because i am expecting it to be horrible.
I am always afraid that good days are gonna runaway from me.

I will be out of this class in about twenty minutes. then i have intro to theatre, which i am going to make the best of!
Farewell for now.
i need to write in here more!
ahhhh.
it always feels wonderful to write in here, even if it's short, pointless entries.

down the drain.

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 00:01:35 GMT

it's going down the drain,
all the hard work.
watch it spiral down the chain,
watch it burn.
it's spinning toward the bottom,
falling deeper.
now you've got em where you want 'em,
they were so eager.
it's spilling into a paper cup,
waiting to be poured.
but you blew it, yeah you really fucked up,
leaving what you loved, and who you loved, to be ignored.
it's going down the drain,
it's slipping from your hands.
all that you could gain,
all that you had planned.
it's pushing too much, too fast
if you would've just listened
it wouldn't be your future fading,
it'd of been your past.

3 Speed.

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 06:15:33 GMT

life is...
peculiar.

"life is funny, but not ha-ha funny.
Peculiar, I guess?
You think I got it all going my way,
But why am I such a fucking mess?"

i havent written in so long...

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 07:51:04 GMT

I'm searching for the needle in the stack of hay. I am wrong all the time, I am always in the past. I'm never in the future except in dreams. I dream about the craziest things. I forgot how to breathe last night because I was so distracted. The colors they got me, the sounds they swallowed me. I have a faith of my own in what I don't know, i'm sorry it's not like others. I continue to search and never find. Once a nice thing came to me. Out of the blue, it blossomed with potential of being a beautiful rose. Such a shame I forgot to water it, I kept it in the shade. I didn't nurture it enough and it died. It's such a shame how i feel little guilt, but i'm back where i was before. Back to the time when my eyes weren't dry. Back to the place when I doubt what i know and believe what i dont. I'm running in a direction that doesnt exist. I'm fueling a fire that rages all over and burns everything good to the ground. I got what i wanted, and i threw it away. but can you blame me? It just didn't feel right. I was lonely in a lovers situation. These days I think about possibilities-never the future-things that i'm not comfortable saying aloud. I don't know if i'm real. I don't know if i'm the being i thought i was. I don't know if i am cerain of things i decided. I am waking up everyday from dreams that scare me, or make me think...what the fuck do i want, kelsey? What's you're star to the sky? When will you face yourself? You walk by the mirror day after day. You pout, and do the right things that evoke pity for yourself. But you never do what you're supposed to do. You never move from that spot where you judge yourself so harshly. Fight the glass back, why just stand there? Punch it. Make it go away. No more need for crying when you can be living the way you've always wanted to. You have to stop crying or nothing will get done. If you stop weeping all the time you will see that you can think clearer. You can make the decisions that are waiting to be made. You can make the decisions that you have stalled. You can breathe normally, like you used to, before those dreams engolfed your soul and spat you out into broken pieces. You've got to hold on. You've got to understand that it IS possible and that it's annoying. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. It's disgusting how you just let it be. Don't just let it be. You have to make it be. You have to push for things to be. You have to run with what there is, you have to charge yourself on the energy of being. Get away from yourself now kelsey, before you pull a saturday night again. You cannot let that continue. You cannot repeat that. Ever again. You must open your heart like you used to. You need to let people in. You need to be honest with life. Yours and others. You need to stop choking and laugh. You have got to, most importantly, stop writing those letters. Stop it, now. Dont you ever look back once you make a run for it. Don't you doubt what you chose. You have to swim away from the current or you'll just end up a part of the hurricane.

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 20:37:47 GMT

Right now I am stuck on tower of terror.hahahahaha.amazing,I know.
Oh boy this is interesting!

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 07:56:37 GMT

woooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 01:55:35 GMT

okay, so i am excited about something.
i don't want to jinx it though...
eek!!!
:p

hannah, i will tell you about it whenever we hang out next :]

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 02:55:00 GMT

.................
!!!!
.................
i thought...i really thought...
that...

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 07:46:19 GMT

i wanna cry;
i'm gonna cry.
i miss you, and wish things didn't happen this way.

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 01:00:45 GMT

this neighborhood has no soul
this neighborhood is so cold...
I miss my old neighborhood
it held all the i should and could's
this place is dangerous
it's heartlessness is contagious
this neighborhood is poison
this neighborhood is just a sin
i miss where i came from
i miss the memories and fun
the streets were filled with
this neighborhood is a tight fist
i want the comfort back
but this neighborhood won't have that
this neighborhood is a bore
this neighborhood is an open sore
I want to get gone
To the old neighborhood i still call home

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 20:10:01 GMT

i went to a funeral today.

:/

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 06:43:56 GMT

you know what, i do have something to say.

life SUCKS.
PEOPLE suck.
EVERTYHING sucks.

there. that's what i meant to say in my last entry.

[i give up.]

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 06:40:48 GMT

i feel like i should post something,
but i don't really know what to say.

life balances out,
i suppose.

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 02:38:27 GMT

QUESTION:

when reading a story, and the main character is a female, would you prefer her to have short, short hair? or long, long hair?
Random, yes, but please, answer.

Fri, 19 Dec 2008 01:35:43 GMT

Life's moving along.
highs and lows.
You know
The way it goes.

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 02:02:58 GMT

Uh-Oh!

Run! Hide! Stop!

Fri, 12 Dec 2008 06:16:40 GMT

Run!Run!Run!Run!Run!Run!Run!Run!Run!Run!
That is what they're saying
Hide!Hide!Hide!Hide!Hide!Hide!Hide!Hide!
You've got to start pretending
Go!Go!Go!Go!Go!Go!Go!Go!Go!Go!Go!Go!Go!
They shout and hollar my way
Hush!Hush!Hush!Hush!Hush!Hush!Hush!Hush!
No one wants to hear what you've to say
Leave!Leave!Leave!Leave!Leave!Leave!Leave!
Coward out, don't be brave
Hurry!Hurry!Hurry!Hurry!Hurry!Hurry!Hurry!
What's a thousand lives, when you've yours to save?
Stop!Stop!Stop!Stop!Stop!Stop!Stop!Stop!
They scream when we're all convinced
Wait!Wait!Wait!Wait!Wait!Wait!Wait!Wait!
They say when they catch a glimpse
No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!No!
But everyone keeps running
Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?
Turns out they were the joke-but it isn't funny.

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 08:00:17 GMT

THE SKY IS FALLING! THE SKY IS FALLING!

checkmate.

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 02:05:25 GMT

I'm just waiting, for that final move. That one that will set it off-it'll begin the game. Back and forth and back and forth until, the next move will be checkmate, and it's your turn. You'll be the one that lets it go-I'm not ready to win. You're a winner, but I will rise until my stomach turns. You'll sit down below with a smirk on your face holding your queen. All the horses will trample me; way up high. The clouds will craddle me back down next to you, but you will just walk away. I, alone, will stay. The timer will go off, the game will be over, but I won't move an inch. I will hold on to the pieces that you used for victory. They'll flow through my veins until I am dead. I will sleep in the grave and soak in the fact that I lost the game.

moth drawn to the flame.

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 07:26:40 GMT

My moth come closer. The flame won't burn. I will pull you in if you resist. You won't wander off; not for long. You'll see the bright light and return. Moth, you'll spread you're wings and fly. I know you'll come back, I know. The heat will warm your tiny little heart. You'll turn yourself around and become mesmorized by this fire; you'll flutter your wings right back to me. But beware, moth, you are flamable. You just may catch on fire, because when you soar toward the redish, orange tint it may not be as cool as before. It may rage for a while, the temperature will rise. Be patient, my dear sweet moth. Please, hold yourself close enough to gain warmth, but don't let me hurt you. When you come back, you must let me crackle and calm-then, and only then, can you fly above and around me with no harm.

pathetic little pigeon

Sat, 29 Nov 2008 08:01:47 GMT

you are bird, just like me
but you act like i'm a fish in the sea
you are a star, just like myself
but you act like i'm a flame from hell
you are a being, just like I am
but you act like i'm a cancelled plan
which maybe i've turned into, because i tune out
the people like you, that are different from me now
the ones that made me believe, there really is a space
the built up between us, that threw me out of place
i don't belong in the sky with you birds,
i belong on the ground like a pigeon that purrs
i'll make noises to express my pathetic need
to rely on the humans that continue to ignore me

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 04:17:01 GMT

so far, i like working at blockbuster.
i like this house
but i miss the other one soooooo much.
twilight the movie was great, and i am addicted.
it makes me wish there were more books!
i need to go to the library though so i can read something else.
i haven't unpacked very much.
life's boring overall.
i enjoy driving.
but really need a stereo in my car.
i am stupid.
my dogs are having issues!
hah. :/
i want disneyland.
i am actually happy i am working christmas so i don't have to spend that much time with my family [not immediate!they're great...just everyone else on my dad's side.]:/ and i only feel a little bit guilty for saying that.
laksdjlakfjifenklsadmcmwpoa
gah!

stormy cloud

Mon, 24 Nov 2008 08:10:49 GMT

such a blue moon,
just like me.
I pout and I purse my lips
crying in harmony
It's like a song everyone knows
the one that everyone rings
It's amazing how it comes and goes
Bringing up painful things
Such a stormy cloud,
just like my soul
Never making me proud
Always keeping me damp, and cold
Such a dim sun,
just like my heart
You're not the one
Fading like we're back that the start
Such a silly sky
just like my dreams
Letting it die
And ripping the seams.

goodbye, shining star
just like my being
i know what you are
Just like my humanity bleeding